More than Sex

by Stevie Woods
13 pages / 5400 words
Available file types - html, lit, pdf, prc, epub, Sony-optimized pdf

When Richard met Phillip, he found someone who did everything humanly possibly to make his life better and easier -- platonically, of course. The problem was, the longer they were friends, the better a person Phillip proved to be and, in the end, the worse Richard treated him. Anything to avoid the terrible truth. If Phillip weren't so good and kind and decent, maybe Richard could keep it up, but Richard -- terrible truth and all -- is worthy of Phillip's kindness. If he could just be honest about his feelings, he'd be worthy of so much more.

Sample

Richard drove down the street again, the third time in as many nights. Each night, he meant to take another route -- it was hardly the most direct way home -- but he always ended up driving past and glancing up at the same apartment window. He tried to tell himself that he wasn't really that desperate, but obviously his subconscious mind didn't agree with him. He’d been that desperate for months and, until recently, he’d been able to control it.

Though if he were honest, and it was past time that he was at least honest with himself, he hadn't been controlling it; he’d been burying it. See, he couldn’t even use the word to himself. He kept calling it ‘it.’ Disgusted with himself, Richard shook his head. Say the word, damn it! If only to yourself. He’d been burying the feeling, the feeling of... God, he couldn't even say it to himself, how the hell could he say it to Philip?

Yet that was why he kept driving past Philip's apartment, trying to pluck up the courage to go inside, get in the elevator, go up and finally admit the feelings he had. To tell his friend -- the man he had been picking stupid fights with for weeks because his confused emotions made it difficult for him to be civil -- that he wanted to be more than friends.

Philip Melton was a kind, considerate person. Five years ago, when Richard had been twenty-one and just starting out in his field, Philip had taken Richard under his wing and helped him carve out a successful career. Along the way, Philip had befriended Richard in spite of the ten-year age difference and helped him see that there was more to life than work -- and Richard had blossomed under the attention.

Now, he wanted more, and it scared him. He behaved badly, and every time Richard snapped at Philip or threw out one of his snide remarks, Richard could see the hurt he caused. Yet, instead of pulling back and saying sorry, Richard pushed more.

He saw now that subconsciously he’d thought that if he pushed hard enough, Philip would retaliate and let his anger bring out his true feelings. Being braver than Richard was, Philip would confess his feelings. Though, of course, it was possible Philip would eventually have had enough and told Richard to fuck off. Though Philip was very comfortable in his sexuality, never hid the fact that he was gay, he also knew that Richard wasn’t. Or, that Richard believed he wasn’t.

And Richard had been so unhappy because of his own confusion, blaming the world instead of facing the truth about himself. Blaming Philip because Richard had fallen in love with him. As if it was somehow Philip’s fault that Richard wanted him -- and, God, did he want him. The man was perfect. Who wouldn’t want Philip?

That only made it worse for Richard. Why would a perfect man who was at home in his own skin be interested in a confused mess like Richard? Being a friend was one thing; being a lover, a significant other, was quite something else. But if Richard never plucked up the courage to find out, he knew he would hate himself for the rest of his life.

Richard knew he ought to park his car, go inside, and ride the elevator to the fourth floor. Knock on Philip’s door, step inside, and look his friend in the eye. Such beautiful eyes -- Richard could fall into those tempting blue eyes and drown and never regret it. He ought to stop being a coward, go face Philip, and tell him how much he cared. How much he needed him, how much he... loved him.