About One Elf Too Many
by KC Warwick
332 pages / 80300 words
ISBN:
978-1-60370-284-3
Available file types - html, lit, Adobe and Sony Optimized pdf, prc, epub
Amber has a problem -- he can remember nothing except his name and the
fact that he has to rescue someone from somewhere. He also appears to
have an uncanny ability to attract unsuitable traveling companions, most
notably Starlight, the beautiful, badly-behaved elf, who is inexplicably
devoted to Amber.
Battling against dragons, rock demons and the notorious Duck Queen, and
pursued by the armies of the Elf King, Amber struggles to perform a
heroic quest which he knows nothing about. Though he has the help of an
armed escort and the benevolent goblins, he also has to endure the
company of an unpleasant old dwarf, together with Starlight’s ex-lover,
the warrior elf, Adamant.
Is Amber’s relationship with Starlight doomed to failure, and will he
ever find out who he really is?
Review
Vincent Diamond, editor of Animal Attraction II, writes: With sharp-humored prose and charming characters that stretch beyond genre boundaries, One Elf Too Many is an homage to the classic, "hero's quest" plotline. Author K.C. Warwick, gives readers a quest to be enjoyed.
Amber, through no fault of his own, is hurled via spell into a world in which he has no memories, only the directive for his quest. He takes along his trusty magic cauldron Lucky (whose powers Amber never fully fathoms until much mischief has been made), meets up with a wise, warrior woman Marta, and has an Elf named Starlight fall helplessly in love with him. They have a series of hysterical adventures. Of course, there's a dragon, and Nemesis is a scream! He speaks in absurd metaphors, mixing them up like a drunken bartender and sloshing around them around to great effect:
“I am over-joyed that I have not had to disappoint you,” Nemesis said in a voice so deep that the rocks hummed in sympathy. “I can assure you that we dragons are indeed all that we are cracked up to be, and we have exceptionally acute hearing, too. So often the cruise-ship of Anticipation is wrecked on the rocky coastline of Reality, but not in this case.” He gave an even deeper rumble which they assumed was a laugh. “Small and cuddly!” he repeated with amusement. “So much for modern education!”
Marta was the first to recover her voice and even she sounded shaken. “We came to ask you something,” she said, her voice sounding faint after the dragon’s.
“Ask away,” was the reply. “The omelet of Ignorance is often seasoned by the condiments of Wisdom. What is your question?”
Marta jerked her head at Amber who cleared his throat several times. “It’s the sulphur in the air,” the dragon told him helpfully. “Sorry I can’t offer you a throat sweet.”
“Do you--” Amber’s voice came out in a shrill squeak and he tried again. “Do you have the Necklace of Sovereignty?” he asked as politely as he could.
“Yes,” said Nemesis. “The arrow of the Direct Question frequently hits the bulls eye of a Simple Answer. Anything else you want to know?”
It's a hoot.
Starlight and Amber do indeed have a sweet and sexy romance. Starlight is actually enchanted to fall for Amber, thanks to Lucky the cauldron's intervention, so when his real boyfriend shows up, the other Elf is righteously jealous. Starlight's father, the Elf King, comes roaring onto the page as well, waving swords, screaming, riding horses madly, and just generally behaving badly. There are giants and trolls and fair maidens and a Duck Queen, and it all works to comic effect.
In the end, Amber does figure out his
quest, and he learns more about his own powers as an Enchanter.
One Elf Too Many will make you smile -- I promise.
Sample
The thought of escaping the forest gave them new strength and they hurried wearily forward after the elf. Within ten minutes, the trees were thinning around them. They passed a few signs--"Okay, so you got out this time." "Don’t come back." "You carry a curse with you."
"Are we really cursed?" Amber asked with alarm.
Starlight showed his teeth again. "Only the dwarf."
Out of the corner of his eye, Amber noticed Marta concealing a smile. Then they were out in the open, looking across rolling moorland towards a misty horizon and the setting sun.
Marta called a halt. Addressing the elf she said briskly, "Well, thanks very much." She took a key out of her pocket and unlocked the padlock which held his chains in place. "You’ve been so little trouble," she continued, "that I’m not even going to hold you to ransom. Off you go."
Starlight stared at her. "I’m not going anywhere," he stated firmly. "My place is with Amber."
"Oh bloody hell!" said Marta under her breath. Then she said aloud, "No, you don’t mean that. Your home is in the forest -- the place you’re so keen to protect, remember?"
Starlight shook his head determinedly, an expression of extreme obstinacy on his face. He looked not unlike a very beautiful mule. "I must stay with Amber."
"But you have friends there who will be concerned about you," Marta told him forcefully. "Friends and family. Even now they will be looking for you. There’s some big, strong elf back there frantic with worry... Don’t you think you ought to go home? Now?"
The elf looked puzzled. "Amber is my friend," he said, as though that explained everything. "My loyalty is to him above all else. I shall never leave him."
Amber had been looking from one to the other with bemusement. "This is very nice of you, Starlight," he began, "but I can’t trouble you any further. Marta is right. You ought to go home."
The elf smiled at him. Starlight had a very attractive smile despite the pointed teeth. "You say that because you have a noble and generous nature," he told Amber, "but secretly, you wish me to stay with you. I know what your heart desires, were you not too selfless to speak it. I shall never leave your side."
Amber swallowed, wondering what reply to make to this, but the dwarf pre-empted him. "Didn’t you hear what he said?" he demanded rashly. "Bugger off back to the forest, you pervert."
Before Amber could even open his mouth to remonstrate with Nockin, Starlight -- moving so quickly that his action was barely discernible -- had kicked the dwarf hard on the shins and then pushed him flat on his face. "Guard your tongue," he hissed, "or worse will befall you. You owe your life only to the generous patronage of Amber, otherwise I would have killed you long since."
Amber helped the dwarf to his feet and dusted him down. Nockin looked furious and was cursing under his breath. "Don’t provoke him, please," Amber begged in a low voice. "You know he’s a dangerous enemy; let’s keep him on our side."
"He’s on your side all right," Nockin muttered. "I just hope you know what you’re taking on."
Amber was reluctant to admit that he didn’t, and was relieved when Marta stepped in. "Look," she said to Starlight, with the air of one staking everything on a last reckless throw of the dice before giving in, "don’t you remember making these declarations to someone else not so long ago? You’re already spoken for. What about this?" and she stretched out a hand and touched an ornate silver bracelet on his wrist.
The elf’s eyes flashed. "This belongs to Amber," and Starlight unfastened the bracelet and clipped it around Amber’s wrist before he could protest.
"Oh shit!" Marta, threw up her hands in resignation. "Now we really are in trouble!"
Amber blinked at her in bewilderment and the dwarf, with a nasty laugh, said, "I think you just got yourself engaged!"